Nazar na lag jaaye….

Those black eyes bored into me……have never seen such a look before….. have heard a lot about razor sharp eyes and other such adjectives, but this was the first time I experienced it. There must surely be something about her eyes, something is amiss in my judgement……..Ohhh I get it…….i realize at last….its got nothing to do with her inherent looks….it was just a strong streak of mascara on her eyelashes……Shucks……and I thought I had witnessed my Dagny………how naive of me….. La Mushkila…it happens gent(h)lemaan……..

Sharmaana Chod Daal Baath Dil Ka Bol Daal.....

Ok….so here we go…….
It was in the end an easy choice to make…… a chance to compete with the best at extempore (for the coveted prize of a trip to London) or a chance to roll your arm over in the cricket field? I chose the latter…… not because I thought I had a better chance of winning at it – just that I knew I would enjoy myself more only on the physical playing field.
And so I became the part of my school cricket team dreaming of making it big (win a trophy at the MAC?). We modeled ourselves on the Windies team of the late 70s……bombastic batsmen, athletic keeper and a battery of pacemen……Kournikova had once said when someone hinted that Hantuchova would be a threat to her stardom – ‘An original is always an original’ and so was it with our cricket team.
Terrifying batsmen were replaced with batsmen who forgot their abdomen guards and remembered in horror seconds before it hit them. Spine chilling fast bowlers were replaced by medium pace trundlers whose fastest ball reached the keeper in the second bounce. However to our credit, we did have good fielders – a bit too overenthusiastic though; much like a puppy at the sight of a bone thrown to it. We skidded and dived and made fantastic leaps. However where we dived – the ball went underneath us, where we slided – we slided a bit too soon and while momentum was taking us eastwards, the ball slowly went past us westwards.
Ok, with this introduction about our ability, I am sure none of you would have a doubt as to what the outcome of our opening match would have been? Well we were not creamed – we were just…….err…….raped beyond repair. But enjoyment we had a lot, add to it the inherent shamelessness that you see in people of my ilk – we also had the gall to give advice to our opponents on their techniques.
You must have noticed I have kept really quiet about the scores? Well in order to prove there is indeed no shame – let me let it out too. We magnanimously chose to bowl first on winning the toss (You see there is no point batting first, getting blasted and then being able to bowl only 3-5 overs in which they canter home). Those guys lost three quick wickets – it had got to do more with the surprise element (the speed at which a ball reached the batsmen was inversely proportional to our arm rotation speed – we were honest triers you see). It was then the real pasting started. We packed the off side field in order to cramp them, but our lack of andharooni kaabiliyath (core competency J ) ensured that despite such a field we bowled a dolly on the leg side – and there she flies to the boundary with the speed of a rocket. It was the same story – just the field settings, our bowling varied. The runs from then on was always on the upward curve. At the end of it, they scored 189 in 30 overs. To cut things short, we were bundled out for 92 in 16 overs, of which 49 were extras. Yeh hai meri kahaani….yeh daasthaan purani…..thagde ballebaazon ke haathon se maar khaathaa hoon……

I would still stand by what I started out with….in the end…it was an easy decision to make.

Boomeranged..................

If I were to pen down all that I am feeling right now, I am sure it will be a random stream of thoughts….but I have always felt that there must be a connecting strand between anything and everything. So let me give myself a free rein to scribble all that I can and then find out what the heck is it that connects my thoughts………So here we go…..

Today I had a great time with my friends….some of whom I have know for only the last 2 weeks…..most of them for the last 2 days…….it is surprising how strangers can bond well so soon…..especially if they have to live together…guess the fact that you have gotto live together tunes your mind to the compatibility mode….but it I not that….i actually had a good time without feeling that I am being compelled to do anything…….

There was fun, laughter, empathy and implicit understanding of what we are going through in our life…..hmmm……

The other day, I was talking with my fiancée about how I should be learning a bit more of Arabic so that I can make my hosts feel that I have made an effort knowing them, their culture and move well with them….all she asked me was….why cant you make the same effort in your personal life with your family members? Fair enough……I can say for sure I could not turn my face to that question…..there is more than an element of truth to what she implied……why is it that I take my family for granted? Or for that matter who mean something to me – I tend to take them for granted…….where there is a need for me to make an effort, I tell myself….people would understand even if I didn’t put in the effort….but when it comes to strangers….well I am all effort…….

I have made lots of friends over the years….but whenever I look back, there is a tinge of regret…..i have never put in the effort to understand anybody……why? Whatever I say now will sound like an excuse I know..yet let me try….this is my inquisition….and I have gotto clear my soul……truth is I never wanted to be entangled by anyone or anything……I wanted to lead my own life…..do what I want……and for this I felt sharing my life with others…..will be a roadblock…..and so will understanding somebody else fully….that very act to me meant bringing somebody into my life…..and for me that is adding one more chain…which in all honesty I did not want……in reality…..i actually ran away from myself…..all of what I did were mere symptoms…….the disease is this…..i did not want to see the real me….i lived in a world…where the image of ME was sketched by ME and my mind…what others thought of me was of the least importance to me….this was a very fragile bubble….which got burst many a times….and yet rather than seeing the futility of it…I went on constructing a sand-house right next to the waves…….

There was one week in the middle of January 2007 that I spent in Korattur in my friend sbalaji’s house…..that was a period of bliss…. Spent it knowing that such a time will never come again and that I nee to make the best out of it…..i had gone to Chennai to supposedly prepare for my GD……the first 2 days I signed in to a professional training organization….but 2 hrs into the program, I knew I was a misfit for the style of GD tactic they were advocating….i was so vexed that I called my dad and said that if this is the way things are going, I don’t need it….i will do it my own way…and if no one accepts me…I would rather think they don’t deserve me. Huffing and puffing, I then went to balaji’s house….incidentally, there were a group of our guys preparing for this mba thing at that time. Vidhya, thiaga and balaji…..so when I said that I will there for a week, we all chalked up a plan of how we were gonna spend the week preparing for the finale. What transpired then was pure bliss……we got up everyday at 6…went to play cricket till 10..came back for breakfast…..has our bath and then went to vidhya’s house to study…..half an hour into our study…we started playing cricket there till about 2…came back for our lunch….then gossiped till tea time…then played cricket till 6 and then….used to go for a stroll around our korattur reminiscing our old days….day in and day out for 7 days, this was our routine……looking back I am most grateful to those project mates of mine who gave me unflinching support to be a freerider in their group – guess they understood they were better off without me than with me……

One of my all time regret (though I hate to say I ever have one) was that none of my school mates joined me in engg…then….none of engg mates joined me in PG……as a result of this…I went on to have three mutually exclusive set of friends….all from different background, different upbringing…different perspectives in life….i am richer from the experience – NO DOUBT….however there were plenty of instances when the differences in the lifestyle, attitude and ethos between the three circles created a turmoil in me…it was like three forces pulling me in three different directions…it was in those times that I felt the need for somebody who would have been with me at least in two out of the three circles of mine…..where I wanted support..i could get none….i couldn’t tell this to anyone..they couldn’t really relate to what I felt..and what I was going through…..definitely I don’t blame them……just that….those moments:in more ways than one….went on to chisel the ME……. While it gave me the sort of independence and free thinking spirit that I always wanted, it left me vulnerable in the most unexpected of times too….but then I guess..that’s life…..

Today I went out to eat with three of my acquaintances, wouldn’t say friends…as of now just acquaintances….made me wonder..how could I ever bring myself to this…..to go out with somebody more out of obligation than out of interest……yet I did it…..not that I felt bad….

In this short life of mine… of all the various things that I have learned, one thing that I value the most is this – always believe you are the best in the world and always be ready to learn from anyone

There are quite a few people who have left an indelible imprint in me, my life, my attitude…..my everything….i salute each and every one of them……

Extremes of selfishness and selflessness are one and the same….or so have I held so far….do I believe in it still? Is it a valid credo at all? Well……I do believe in it…..but so far this belief has only brought me grief….because since the end result was only in my mind….i have always favored for selfishness rather than selflessness…… where I could have given….i had taken……where I could have relented…I pressed forward….all in the belief that if I did (with sincere heart) what I felt was right…..i will be right on at least one count (that i did what I believed in)…… I did not want to do anything without first believing in it….. speaking of doing something only after believing in it, I remember of my friend HOMO2…..who once told me…..there are times when you have to let go….do something with full belief…….without questioning it…..it happened just after just after my engineering got over….i had gone over to his house.and every evening we use to go for a walk in the mountains…..and discuss anything and everything under the sun….on one such evening, we were discussing about faith, god and stuff……where I tried countering him with logic..all he said was this….when we try defining or describing something, we do it within our level of understanding (which in principle is bound)…and what we are actually trying to comprehend in life is unbound…..infinite…..so such things are not to be dissected logically and then experienced....you need to experience it without questioning….that’s belief…..that’s faith….am I read for it yet? I don’t think so……

Hmmm…so here ends my brief scribbling…..so what are the connecting thread? Lets go over once again….. the only thing I can say in all humility is that who ever wrote this piece of shit…is an ego maniac…..

However, I do believe that…..In Confession Lies Redemption……

To all those smiling faces around the world……

Thanks a lot for making our lives so happy….for giving that radiant smile and reminding us that there is more to life than worrying…..

Thanks for lifting up our spirits when we most needed it…..

There have been many friends of mine who fall into this category…and many more whom I know but haven’t spoken to also are from the same species – the ever smiling ones. And I am sure that such wonderful people would have graced the lives of almost everyone. Aaah what a wonderful feeling it used to be to be smiled at (after all the ‘laughing at’ business J )

And when such a smiling demeanor is coupled with a never ending optimism about life it is really a humbling experience…and a very useful one at that…..

There was this girl (dei…nee pasangala patthi pesave maateyaa?) whom I knew (aaana CM ku enna theriyaadhu!!!!) One of the few people whom I always wanted to see just for their smile. I have never seen anyone in a sober mood when with her. Such was her ability to infuse happiness in others. And to cap it all, she was game for anything – it taught me that what ultimately matters in life is not the outcome…but the intention and the sincerity of the effort that you put.

One of my greatest regrets – not having known her personally. Not knowing someone also proves to be a boon (especially when what you see in them is only goodness)……you hold only the positive things about them in your mind…and RESPECT them for it ..…and that acts as the driving force for you….

Main usse pyaar karta hoon…main yeh nahi kehta ki who bhi mujhse pyaar kare – aaaargh…..po da dei…indha dialogue naanga laam DCH la ketutom la….

Brotherhood series – Weighing the options

For the species that calls themselves as men, one of their most defining aspects is to look ahead in life and not dwell on petty things……what constitutes petty things is an entirely different matter. The stroke that Misbah played to get out is not at all a petty matter. In fact it is something worthy of deep analysis in the psychology of human mind. If you have been shown your place (nose cuttings u see) by the other gender – it is the most pettiest matter…thing to be forgotten in a jiffy in order to look ahead…to this list of trivialities is the concern about one’s weight…..made all the more trivial due to the extreme importance accorded to it by the ladies of the world…..when will they ever understand it is not how you look but what you are?? J See…nirvana is never far from the grasp of the brotherhood.

It was a nice meeting arranged in the house of a close pal of mine who had studied with me since my childhood. As a visitor we had this wonderful gal who was also my school mate. We discussed lots of things – life in general, latest escapades of the unmentionable kind…out of the blue this guy blurted out to the girl – ‘hey you look fit’…and that was it….it was like having opened a pandora’s box….she started lamenting about how she has put on 1.5kg in the last 2 months (that is peanuts to us!!!!!!!!) and how she is now having to work really hard to fit into her clothes….she cant stand the sight of herself in the mirror..bla bla bla…..It was then that my friend commenced with a firm OK….now why don’t you come to that room….what transpired next was something for the ages……

Both of us (this lady and myself) followed him…..he said…yes dear I understand your problem….i too went through such phase…in fact I gained 10kgs in the last 3 months, you थो only cant stand the sight of urself..i for one cant see myself in a mirror…it is too undersized for me….(Hey wait..all this is fine…but I have never seen this guy so serious..neither do I remember him doing anything so great so as to advice her!!!) and then he dropped the bomb….so what I did is this….he then opened his wardrobe….i bought myself trousers of the next size…simple isn’t it?? (SIMPLE IT IS…….FOR SURE!!!!) for a second this lady gaped in disbelief….at such lack of seriousness in a person who has bloated like anything…We (this guy and myself) of course split our spleen laughing….Call it juvenile….call it obnoxious….whatever…but my take is why worry? See if you can do something about it…if you can well and good..if you cant…don’t break your head…just move on…..take a break da….

Romaaantic…….

• Walking hand in hand along the sea shore (ever thought would you be doing the same if your hands were clammy or the waves spewed forth garbage as so often happens in marina???)
• A candle light dinner in a cozy confines…..(dei….enakku nolla kannu da..nalla naaleye ozhunga theriyaadhu…)
• A ring for your lover…..(Ohh no..this metal cause allergy to me)
• Call up every now and then to enquire…..how are you (nalla illa nu sonaa enna pannuve?)….have you eaten (yaen..nee samachu thara poreyaa?)…what are you doing (adhan unnoda pesaren nu theriyaradhu illa…enna mannu ku wat r u doin?)….i love you so much (haiyyoooo….ennakku idhu theiryaama pochae…)……
• Go out for some movie…..(wow…movie is much more interesting than the company)
• Nuzzle up to your lover…and coochie coo with them….(seems good…..waitice…..i am just about to fart…do you mind????)

कreepy

Long long ago….when I was supposed to be sane, there was a voice within me which rebelled at my sanity. ‘Sanity’ in those days was defined by conformism, talking politically correct stuffs, ensuring no one is hurt and most importantly not to show the imaginary mirror at a person lest he see his own hypocritical self. It was an age when everyone realized the truth yet no one spelt it out. To say that you don’t know something is a sign of weakness, to accept your mistake was the most evil of things you could ever conjure in your lifetime. Such circumstances should direct you to point towards someone else. Doesn’t matter who. So long as it is not you.

Then insanity got the better of me. It got me lots of enemies and a few very valuable friends. It ensured that I knew what I was doing, and that I would be man enough to be accounted for my actions. It also meant that I would give MY mind a free rein and not simply follow the diktats of some slob.

And now painfully I am realizing that the ghost of sanity is still within me and is attempting a comeback.