Gone with the wind ……..Part 2

• The ‘bursting of heart’ feeling I had when appa left me at karaikudi,
• The days of tiger biscuit and tea at SCH,
• Days of being kulikaadha medhaigal (tribute to scienti and aamai – my co partners)
• Adai and vellam at ramchander’s house, cricket conversations with uncle,
• Bhai, begum, their children….and the briyani that I missed,
• Keerai with thengai paruppu courtesy amma,
• Murungai keerai and palaa kai kurma courtesy periamma,
• Kathrikkai and aloo fry courtesy sithi,
• Gopalan sir and KRV sir….
• Those dilemma when faced with – ‘pesalaama vendaama?’ at the sight of some really heart warming thaai kulams……
• Listening to old melodies along with dhaaru…..
• Placement works in placement room often accompanied with bondas, bajjis and teas…..
• Washing the ‘saaptu minji pona paathrams’ of visiting companies
• Those very rare instances when I revealed my heart to my karaikudi nanbargals…..
• Having the unspoken trust, faith and camaraderie with mottai,
• Watching the mighty sambar saying with ‘feelings’ that TC et with an accident – laughing at the description given by TC about his valiant adventures
• Fruit mix, nannaari sharbat and lime in Marine..
• The happy-sad void I felt and shared in the evening after narmadha akka’s marriage with padhu, gopal, prabhu and subbu anna

Gone with the wind ……..Part 1

Days spent with appa, meks, gautanna and anukka going to beach every Sunday morning,
Telling out the score of all and sundry cricket matches whenever my thaatha asked for,
Playing cricket in the terrace with buddi and co,
Roaming the street of korattur (in the name of purchasing groceries) and putting vetti pongal,
Times spent cycling from house to beach with like minded mad-caps,
Calling out ‘Amma coffee’ the second I stepped into my house,
Hot and mouth watery aloo parathas amma used to make,
Leaving the school in a hurry to finish my cup of tea and go to play cricket in UCO bank ground,
Those laziness filled vacations where meks and myself saw one movie after another,
Two weeks spent in padmaja mam’s home (srik, vidhya, varuna and myself) in the name of preparing for board exams and ending up gaining weight after eating her lunches,
Walking the streets of korattur with cat eye discussing our problems,
Time spent with pakki speaking anything and everything under the sun,
Silence and solitude experienced with sriks,
Seeing my valentine cry in front of my eyes and realizing helplessly that I cant do anything to make her feel better

Route bus diary…….

Back to the good ol’ days in karaikudi. There were two types of buses – make it three…..govt ‘saadha’ bus, govt ‘pp’ bus and pvt bus…..prices were not too different, but the demand was….if you had all the time to kill, saadha bus was the one to go for….pvt ones if you want ‘sogusu’…..the lazy me always chose the saadha models…..

Lemme chalk out the route that I used to go most often…..scene 1 – have the heavenly coffee made by periamma and then have ur brother drop u at the pudhu bus stand….get yourself an outlook, sportstar or india today and then hop on to one of the saadhaa party…..here you have the luxury of choosing the seat that you want unlike the maddening frenzy in pvt models….these buses take so much time to start that more often than not, even before they start you are almost through your magazines….

Now I listen to the conductor’s whistle…and the bus has willed itself to start much like a kumbhakarna waking up….first stop is periyar selai…some more crowd…then..water tank…and then….ram nagar….hmm now this is some crowd inside the bus…..now we are entering the country side….though our area is supposed to be one of the driest area…I have found it to be pretty green….lots of ooranis you get to see here…..the setting sun adds a romantic angle to my journey…..but the…sun and the scene are the only romantic partners…..

As we cross kottaiyur and near tirumayam, I slowly come out of my zombie like gawking at the roads…and tune my ears to all the chit chats happening inside the bus….it is a mixture of nice, sad, ironic, jovial, and mundane banter….eyes roam this side and that to see if there are any parties worth seeing….then while I close my eyes trying to reason out my existence, our bus crosses khalif nagar and reaches the pudukottai terminus….time for some chaaya…..

Post pudukottai, it is mostly time for recalling fond memories of my school pals….trying to recapture the butterfly in the stomach feelings you get, whenever you are excitedly happy in the presence of a girl…make plans for visiting some of the really close frenz of in the 2-3 days that I would spend in chennai…and trying to figure out where I went wrong with regards to my relationship with my loved ones….most of who tolerated me even though I hurt them….there was one burning desire to be perfect..and there was one foregone answer to it – now way…..but should I stop attempting? Is it the journey in which my victory lies or is it the destination? In due course I realized, journey it is – and onwards I continue in my quest….we cross keeranur…its pretty dark now…..

30 more minutes and I will be at the trichy bus stand…..time to remember the good things in life and praise the lord for this…..so here I go….i thank you my god for my wonderful parents, sisters, brother, uncles and aunties..i thank you for that gy who went to erumai maadu univ…I thank you for laura, for my tamil teacher, that cat eyed child who masqueraded as my classmate, for buddi, for those wonderful comrades of mine who made my benz diaries eventful, for all those thaai kulams in my college who couldn’t escape my pestilence…for those select few who would go on to define my life….i thank you for making me realize there isn’t much of a difference between me and you……AMEN….

Nazar na lag jaaye….

Those black eyes bored into me……have never seen such a look before….. have heard a lot about razor sharp eyes and other such adjectives, but this was the first time I experienced it. There must surely be something about her eyes, something is amiss in my judgement……..Ohhh I get it…….i realize at last….its got nothing to do with her inherent looks….it was just a strong streak of mascara on her eyelashes……Shucks……and I thought I had witnessed my Dagny………how naive of me….. La Mushkila…it happens gent(h)lemaan……..

Sharmaana Chod Daal Baath Dil Ka Bol Daal.....

Ok….so here we go…….
It was in the end an easy choice to make…… a chance to compete with the best at extempore (for the coveted prize of a trip to London) or a chance to roll your arm over in the cricket field? I chose the latter…… not because I thought I had a better chance of winning at it – just that I knew I would enjoy myself more only on the physical playing field.
And so I became the part of my school cricket team dreaming of making it big (win a trophy at the MAC?). We modeled ourselves on the Windies team of the late 70s……bombastic batsmen, athletic keeper and a battery of pacemen……Kournikova had once said when someone hinted that Hantuchova would be a threat to her stardom – ‘An original is always an original’ and so was it with our cricket team.
Terrifying batsmen were replaced with batsmen who forgot their abdomen guards and remembered in horror seconds before it hit them. Spine chilling fast bowlers were replaced by medium pace trundlers whose fastest ball reached the keeper in the second bounce. However to our credit, we did have good fielders – a bit too overenthusiastic though; much like a puppy at the sight of a bone thrown to it. We skidded and dived and made fantastic leaps. However where we dived – the ball went underneath us, where we slided – we slided a bit too soon and while momentum was taking us eastwards, the ball slowly went past us westwards.
Ok, with this introduction about our ability, I am sure none of you would have a doubt as to what the outcome of our opening match would have been? Well we were not creamed – we were just…….err…….raped beyond repair. But enjoyment we had a lot, add to it the inherent shamelessness that you see in people of my ilk – we also had the gall to give advice to our opponents on their techniques.
You must have noticed I have kept really quiet about the scores? Well in order to prove there is indeed no shame – let me let it out too. We magnanimously chose to bowl first on winning the toss (You see there is no point batting first, getting blasted and then being able to bowl only 3-5 overs in which they canter home). Those guys lost three quick wickets – it had got to do more with the surprise element (the speed at which a ball reached the batsmen was inversely proportional to our arm rotation speed – we were honest triers you see). It was then the real pasting started. We packed the off side field in order to cramp them, but our lack of andharooni kaabiliyath (core competency J ) ensured that despite such a field we bowled a dolly on the leg side – and there she flies to the boundary with the speed of a rocket. It was the same story – just the field settings, our bowling varied. The runs from then on was always on the upward curve. At the end of it, they scored 189 in 30 overs. To cut things short, we were bundled out for 92 in 16 overs, of which 49 were extras. Yeh hai meri kahaani….yeh daasthaan purani…..thagde ballebaazon ke haathon se maar khaathaa hoon……

I would still stand by what I started out with….in the end…it was an easy decision to make.

Boomeranged..................

If I were to pen down all that I am feeling right now, I am sure it will be a random stream of thoughts….but I have always felt that there must be a connecting strand between anything and everything. So let me give myself a free rein to scribble all that I can and then find out what the heck is it that connects my thoughts………So here we go…..

Today I had a great time with my friends….some of whom I have know for only the last 2 weeks…..most of them for the last 2 days…….it is surprising how strangers can bond well so soon…..especially if they have to live together…guess the fact that you have gotto live together tunes your mind to the compatibility mode….but it I not that….i actually had a good time without feeling that I am being compelled to do anything…….

There was fun, laughter, empathy and implicit understanding of what we are going through in our life…..hmmm……

The other day, I was talking with my fiancée about how I should be learning a bit more of Arabic so that I can make my hosts feel that I have made an effort knowing them, their culture and move well with them….all she asked me was….why cant you make the same effort in your personal life with your family members? Fair enough……I can say for sure I could not turn my face to that question…..there is more than an element of truth to what she implied……why is it that I take my family for granted? Or for that matter who mean something to me – I tend to take them for granted…….where there is a need for me to make an effort, I tell myself….people would understand even if I didn’t put in the effort….but when it comes to strangers….well I am all effort…….

I have made lots of friends over the years….but whenever I look back, there is a tinge of regret…..i have never put in the effort to understand anybody……why? Whatever I say now will sound like an excuse I know..yet let me try….this is my inquisition….and I have gotto clear my soul……truth is I never wanted to be entangled by anyone or anything……I wanted to lead my own life…..do what I want……and for this I felt sharing my life with others…..will be a roadblock…..and so will understanding somebody else fully….that very act to me meant bringing somebody into my life…..and for me that is adding one more chain…which in all honesty I did not want……in reality…..i actually ran away from myself…..all of what I did were mere symptoms…….the disease is this…..i did not want to see the real me….i lived in a world…where the image of ME was sketched by ME and my mind…what others thought of me was of the least importance to me….this was a very fragile bubble….which got burst many a times….and yet rather than seeing the futility of it…I went on constructing a sand-house right next to the waves…….

There was one week in the middle of January 2007 that I spent in Korattur in my friend sbalaji’s house…..that was a period of bliss…. Spent it knowing that such a time will never come again and that I nee to make the best out of it…..i had gone to Chennai to supposedly prepare for my GD……the first 2 days I signed in to a professional training organization….but 2 hrs into the program, I knew I was a misfit for the style of GD tactic they were advocating….i was so vexed that I called my dad and said that if this is the way things are going, I don’t need it….i will do it my own way…and if no one accepts me…I would rather think they don’t deserve me. Huffing and puffing, I then went to balaji’s house….incidentally, there were a group of our guys preparing for this mba thing at that time. Vidhya, thiaga and balaji…..so when I said that I will there for a week, we all chalked up a plan of how we were gonna spend the week preparing for the finale. What transpired then was pure bliss……we got up everyday at 6…went to play cricket till 10..came back for breakfast…..has our bath and then went to vidhya’s house to study…..half an hour into our study…we started playing cricket there till about 2…came back for our lunch….then gossiped till tea time…then played cricket till 6 and then….used to go for a stroll around our korattur reminiscing our old days….day in and day out for 7 days, this was our routine……looking back I am most grateful to those project mates of mine who gave me unflinching support to be a freerider in their group – guess they understood they were better off without me than with me……

One of my all time regret (though I hate to say I ever have one) was that none of my school mates joined me in engg…then….none of engg mates joined me in PG……as a result of this…I went on to have three mutually exclusive set of friends….all from different background, different upbringing…different perspectives in life….i am richer from the experience – NO DOUBT….however there were plenty of instances when the differences in the lifestyle, attitude and ethos between the three circles created a turmoil in me…it was like three forces pulling me in three different directions…it was in those times that I felt the need for somebody who would have been with me at least in two out of the three circles of mine…..where I wanted support..i could get none….i couldn’t tell this to anyone..they couldn’t really relate to what I felt..and what I was going through…..definitely I don’t blame them……just that….those moments:in more ways than one….went on to chisel the ME……. While it gave me the sort of independence and free thinking spirit that I always wanted, it left me vulnerable in the most unexpected of times too….but then I guess..that’s life…..

Today I went out to eat with three of my acquaintances, wouldn’t say friends…as of now just acquaintances….made me wonder..how could I ever bring myself to this…..to go out with somebody more out of obligation than out of interest……yet I did it…..not that I felt bad….

In this short life of mine… of all the various things that I have learned, one thing that I value the most is this – always believe you are the best in the world and always be ready to learn from anyone

There are quite a few people who have left an indelible imprint in me, my life, my attitude…..my everything….i salute each and every one of them……

Extremes of selfishness and selflessness are one and the same….or so have I held so far….do I believe in it still? Is it a valid credo at all? Well……I do believe in it…..but so far this belief has only brought me grief….because since the end result was only in my mind….i have always favored for selfishness rather than selflessness…… where I could have given….i had taken……where I could have relented…I pressed forward….all in the belief that if I did (with sincere heart) what I felt was right…..i will be right on at least one count (that i did what I believed in)…… I did not want to do anything without first believing in it….. speaking of doing something only after believing in it, I remember of my friend HOMO2…..who once told me…..there are times when you have to let go….do something with full belief…….without questioning it…..it happened just after just after my engineering got over….i had gone over to his house.and every evening we use to go for a walk in the mountains…..and discuss anything and everything under the sun….on one such evening, we were discussing about faith, god and stuff……where I tried countering him with logic..all he said was this….when we try defining or describing something, we do it within our level of understanding (which in principle is bound)…and what we are actually trying to comprehend in life is unbound…..infinite…..so such things are not to be dissected logically and then experienced....you need to experience it without questioning….that’s belief…..that’s faith….am I read for it yet? I don’t think so……

Hmmm…so here ends my brief scribbling…..so what are the connecting thread? Lets go over once again….. the only thing I can say in all humility is that who ever wrote this piece of shit…is an ego maniac…..

However, I do believe that…..In Confession Lies Redemption……

To all those smiling faces around the world……

Thanks a lot for making our lives so happy….for giving that radiant smile and reminding us that there is more to life than worrying…..

Thanks for lifting up our spirits when we most needed it…..

There have been many friends of mine who fall into this category…and many more whom I know but haven’t spoken to also are from the same species – the ever smiling ones. And I am sure that such wonderful people would have graced the lives of almost everyone. Aaah what a wonderful feeling it used to be to be smiled at (after all the ‘laughing at’ business J )

And when such a smiling demeanor is coupled with a never ending optimism about life it is really a humbling experience…and a very useful one at that…..

There was this girl (dei…nee pasangala patthi pesave maateyaa?) whom I knew (aaana CM ku enna theriyaadhu!!!!) One of the few people whom I always wanted to see just for their smile. I have never seen anyone in a sober mood when with her. Such was her ability to infuse happiness in others. And to cap it all, she was game for anything – it taught me that what ultimately matters in life is not the outcome…but the intention and the sincerity of the effort that you put.

One of my greatest regrets – not having known her personally. Not knowing someone also proves to be a boon (especially when what you see in them is only goodness)……you hold only the positive things about them in your mind…and RESPECT them for it ..…and that acts as the driving force for you….

Main usse pyaar karta hoon…main yeh nahi kehta ki who bhi mujhse pyaar kare – aaaargh…..po da dei…indha dialogue naanga laam DCH la ketutom la….