In search of solitude.......

Have been a firm believer in the credo that two extremes of anything are similar in its consequences......Got a hint at what I am alluding to? Yaaa......never could possibly lose myself from the crowd...possibly never had the courage....or was too lazy to do it....So the next best step? Immerse fully into the inane mundaneness of everyday life - fully understand the stupidity of what you are doing...of what others are doing.....and have the balls to laugh at your own mediocrity.....and the candidness to laugh at others too :)

OK....but why the 'unmentionables' do I want solitude? Hmm that sets me doing the most difficult thing.....to look into myself with all sincerity...to acknowledge my fears...my shortcomings.....and NOT go into a state of denial (as one lady so aptly told me).....

seri...keta kelvi ku badhil solu daaa daaashu

Why do i want solitude???? SHould there be any reason to wanting something other than just wanting it???? (No wonder this was the question i found most difficult to answer in interviews too - why do you want XXX) OK.....the closest to reality answer that i can give myself for this is - it takes too much effort to be jabbering...to be speaking what others expect to hear....to be conniving the false play that happens all around you......Then why not stand up against it?? Now that is a good question...why not stand up against it??? See....it is definitely worth a try ....truth of the matter is maybe....i have taken the easy way out of closing my eyes...being content with mediocrity....all because i am lazy enough not to make an effort to come out of my comfort zone.....

You hurt them most whom you love most....

Heard this long back.....have thought a lot about it....may be there is an element of truth to it....why do we hurt? It is never done knowingly i guess...but maybe it is coz we take our loved ones for granted....and tend to go a wee bit too far..that it aches....Revert back and see....you ever felt hurt by the actions of your loved ones? father? mom? son? freind? sister? wife? Why????? Expectations i guess.....we also tend to expect certain things from others (almost as a right) that if it doesnt happen....we let our fuse go off....never the right thing to do...we think twice, thrice...when we want to act in the same manner to a third person..but why does it change when the person in question is our loved one? To show how close you are to them that you can affect their feelings? Aaaaw come on......Small things left unsaid....thin string stretched too far....any solution to it? or do we live with it?
Difficult to say barkhurdhaar.....Haan par yeh baath toh hai ki....come what may you will always be at their side in times of need and vice versa....if THAT is taken care of, everything else is mere filling of details....or so i think...

Main Zindagi Ka Saath Nibhaatha Chalaa Gaya...

Hum bekhudi mein tumko pukaare….chale gaye…….Hmm so the cassette has started after all….too long to start…must check out if the audio system is ok….you come across variety of situations in your life…and needless to say there is always a lot to learn….how can you touch your nose? He says directly in front of ur eyes….i say…by twisting my hand behind my head….end result? Both of us touch our nose….the method matters…..when the means is going to be rewarded….but if it is only the end that matters…then I would rather do it in a way in which everyone are in harmony….(signs of compromise???? --- naaaahhhhh don’t you worry….i am still a long way from it)….Kabhi khud pe…kabhi haalaath pe ronaa aayaa…..global efficiency vs. local efficiency….something we have studied about….the latter should be subservient to the former…everyone implicitly understands it..more so in a manufacturing set up….ut no one wants to take the plunge in implementing it…why? No machine (or man) should stay idle you see…..cant catch the point?? Well…your mouth (teeth included) can chew and eat food….your stomach can digest it….and you can shit it out….now what if I say…no matter whether you can digest or not..you should always be eating? Or no matter if you can shit it out you should be stuffing yourself? Practical? Then why the bloody hell here? Kya hua hai..hua kuch nahin hain….baath kya hai..pathaa kuch nahin hain….So what you do? Tell once, tell twice…that one should not eat more than what he can digest….if adhered to..well and good…else??? Bloody stuff him with all delicacies and wait till he chokes and bursts out….atleast then the system will be cleaned…..yes..it will stink..the stench shall remain….but you can now turn a new leaf…..Ab kya soche…kya honaa thaa jo hua…achcha hua……

Nikle teri thalaash mein…aur khud hi kho gaye….kuch ban saki na humse toh deewaane ho gaye…..deewaangi ne fir tera koochaa dikhaa diya……have you experienced this?? Naaah..chuck out the romantic angle of this song…have you ever worked towards something so hard and so long..unable to reach the goal though you could always see it just in front of you? Each time putting just that extra bit of effort so that you may get it…and yet…unable to have it? Personally have had such exciting experience while working out some numerical problems…you break your head in all possible manner..do and redo a problem in all possible ways..and when you don’t get the result…there is this gnawing incomplete feeling within you…..and all of a sudden…like a flash of lightning you hit upon the result…how it came about…you never know..it just happened…

Its been a long time since I have loved anything so much that I go the extra mile to achieve it….while I prefer believing the reason to be an attainment of nirvana – the understanding that everything is ephemeral…..it is not always the reason..and I know….’it is a sin to knowingly waste your latent potential’ said a close friend of mine…’you switch off very soon’ said another….there is an element of truth to it…So what am I doing about it? Nothing much….just flirting with the thin line that divides normalcy and insanity…..doing something just for the heck of it…not doing something…again..just for the heck of it….Opportunity cost??? Bull shit…that is one terminology I have relegated to the dustbin ages ago…then what drives you? Impulse….it doesn’t always reap dividends….who asked for it? Then you might be a perennial underachiever….in whose eyes? You seem to be getting into that zone of indifference again? Now that is a great discovery….you want me to buy you a drink? Holy Christ…..Yes what shall I do for you? Now where did that come from? Anbe Sivam….I must have known that….Late realization…When will you ever get serious….why should i? What..if anything matters to you da? Good question….Well..a questions begs for an answer….Hmm…what matters to me??NOTHING…..what?? it is not humanly possible….(smiling) you gave the answer yourself

Meri Jaan Meri Jaan Sunday ke Sunday....

It was a nice little home…we were five brothers (well I was their cousin) and two sisters….an uncle, aunt, sister in law and a kid. A very happy family with a nice comportment. But all this used to change, come Sunday morning. It used to represent a battleground…..lots of strategizing, disussing the tactical issues like how to go about doing it? When to assemble, whom to delegate responsibilities to…would be doing the rounds…for what??? Ahem…..to cook…….i used to get reminded of the Satte pe Satta brothers…if it was Sunday, it had t be murungai keerai….and palaakkai kurma….and kathrikkai varuval and murungakai sambar…..and since all of us-brothers-were decently voracious eaters…the quantum of cooking required all of us to give a helping hand to my poor aunt (a great lady-whose only worry used to be IF she could finish her cooking in time). And so – we used to down a drumstick tree…(whose life cycle of regeneration of leaves was such that we had sufficient quantity every Sunday despite our raping it stark naked of all its leaves)…and then heaping it on to the floor we got into the process of keerai aayaradhu…..doing this also won us a round of sooooperb filter coffee. As this was being done, two of us (depending on who was in mood) oiled our hands for the forthcoming job – of slitting and cutting that darned sticky jackfruit…..and our sisters would be on the job of cutting brinjals and cooking them….

Aprom enna??? Elaam samaiyalum pannittu nalla saaptutu thoonga poiduvom…..

Waking up at 4 to sweet aroma of a coffee…we used to drink sleepy eyed watching some crap in the tv. Refreshed with caffeine, I made my way to thaatha’s abode…spent the rest of the evening gossiping only to come back at 7.30 to witness the next battlefield scene – this time I am welcomed by a cleanly washed floor (whats this??? Washing the floor on Sunday???evening??? well……) then my aunt used to unload few kgs of atta on to the floor (ohh yeah..forgot to say.if its snday evening its gotto be rotis J ) why on the floor? Else she cant knead all her requirements of flour….

Those were the days…carefree cycling…carefree eating…..sleeping like an oaf….always having somebody to look after you…… a nice bhaai who used to torture me by not giving me any of his home cooked briyani ( he mistook me for an orthodox vegetarian) and I out of compulsion couldn’t disclose my carnivorous tastes to him….a great street where almost everyone knew everyone…..that made my life in karaikudi…..

Benz Diaries – Weekend Plans……Boredom reigns…..

Mottai has gone to trichy and so had Adam (who by the way considers weekend spent in karaikudi as a sin unless it is exam time J ). That leaves thaatha and dead as the only remnants in the house that they had rented….to give them company are quarter, tc, myself, scientist. A typical day…..i have my stomach’s fill in my house (where perimma would have cooked a wonderful kathrikkai kari and murungakkai sambar)…our guys eat at their mess….i stay just a little longer in my house..doing nothing so that I can get one more round of coffee….and then I take out my benz to go to our adda (the abode of thaatha and dead)…..there depending on who is playing on the comp, the other person loads on a music list, and the rest f us play chess or read newspaper or just chit chat gossiping about all and sundry…..come 11.30 a beautiful nap…..and then wake up by 1 by which time..our guys go once again to the mess, while I go to my house…post lunch we re-join at around 3. one more round robin at the comp. after the customary sleep, at about 5 we take out our cycles and roam the town or go to hostel for further vetti paechchu…..after that we head in to the town for a early dinner at royal…have our stomach full..and then get a movie or two… to watch in the night…..

Our first movie experience – this was the first time….to me fell the responsibility of choosing the movie to be watched…and in some enthu state…decided to go for westerns….and hece we cam back with Mckenna’s gold..and Good.Bad&Ugly….ohh whatta experience it was???? At the end of the first 30 min, I was in serious danger of being drubbed by my comrades…reason??? In all enthusiasm…we loaded Mckenna’s…..we wait…to see Gregory peck..he doesn’t come…what comes instead is a song..sung by one of our own ilk….OLD TURKEY BUZZARD……..in a drawling voice….accompanied by some bugger on a horse back…..strutting across a canyon….we wait….nothing happens..he continues to strut…..that dash continues to wield his throat…..and so we waste 15 min…we are running out of patience..just when we should probably have waited a bit longer…we call it quits…and remove the cd…we now load it with the good, bad and ugly…..hmmm…post the intial casting list…we atleast get to see an actor’ face….ohh cool..so atlast some story brewing this…..but no…..he walks….goes into a room…shoots the shit outta some poor guy….and walks out…..screen change….scene change…..he struts in a horse….comes to a house…is seen by a boy who runs into his house…(maybe to tell something???) but whatever word he might have said are not for our ears…so silence reigns….he goes in…the host is eating..he sits down and also eats…still no dialogues….and then this bugger shoots him……holy Christ….

And so 30min into our movies…we are yet to see any meaningful dialogues….any story developing…but this time…we wait it out…and thankfully the GBU works out just fine….

And so the movies end by arnd 2…..i sleep in their house itself…get up at 6is…go back to my house…for the morning coffee…that was the Saturday isshhtory……Sunday’s next…..

Heart....if there is one...shall speaketh this....

We need to have a purpose in life…..why? otherwise whats the difference between you and an animal? Did I ever say I am different?...So you have no purpose?no goal? Well I do have one….whats that? Not to have a purpose…..huh???? I mean..whats the whole point? You say there has to be a purpose…..you go behind it…you may or may not achieve….but in all probabilities you fail to enjoy the journey..keeping only the purpose in mind……rather not to have it at all……in that way at least I will enjoy each and every second of my life..not gauging myelf whether or not I am on track to achieve my ‘purpose’. Having no purpose will make you irresponsible……that shows your lack of self belief…..huh??? why do you always need a pole to lean to….? if you are purposeless you will be seen as a failure….who decides if you are a success or a failure? Well?? Run your own race da…my success or failure is dependent on whether I satisfy my expectations…not on whether I satisfy other’s expectations on me….how can you be so selfish? You need to live for others…..THAT is selfishness….you expect recognition…you are self centred….at least I have no illusions about what I want……you never think for others…I do….huh?? If I focus on being happy I shall make the world a happier place…

To that extent I am selfish…no qualms about it…that’s blasphemy….see da…there are infinite ways of connecting two points….i rest my case

AS FAST AS IT GETS….

The rate at which human mind is able to churn out thoughts is amazing…..in fact a bit disgusting too..especially when all you would want is silence……

Family and friends…..are they the same..do they ever mean the same..how should one perceive either of these categories? You think of it…you get thousand explanations, rationale..and logic..but at the end of it all what counts is what you believe in….neednt be the same as what others think….but so long as you have the ocnviction to back up ur feelings…that’s about all one can ask for…..well..how different are friends by the way? Only thought which comes to my mind is..that they are not related to me either chromosomally or sexually…..but other than that? I respect them the same way I would a family member of mine…give them the same importance….what if you have to decide between either of them at a time of crisis? Well, that would be based on the merit of the need. Holy cow….that is cold blooded pig headed objectivity. So be it. But may be not….maybe, I will lean more towards my family (??) cz I know that my friend will understand my predicament. You mean to say your family doesn’t understand ur predicament? Well not like that, its just that the current psyche of the ‘normal’ family is to take t for granted that come what may – family comes first. I don’t blame it one bit at all. Maybe when I grow up..have a family of my own..i will try my best not to be like this…if I have to take anyone for granted…let it be everyone…if my child ha to decide between A or B let it always be based on merit and not on social obligations…..AMEN

Why are you so indifferent? Coz I don’t care? Oh really??? Well not exactly…then why the hell? Hmmm…..does it really matter? What if I say it matters to me…..Oh good….is it a feeling of insecurity? Bull shit…..then whaat? Don’t you ever love anyone well enough to feel for them? To empathise? That I do..you never help out…..why should i? I mean….i believe a plant grows strong and survives when it fights it out amidst the bushes, trees and shrubbery…not when it is planted in a pot and cared for day in and day out…..cut the crap will you? Just because your thoughts are different than mine..dont insult my thinking…..ohh so you do care eh? Where goes your indifference? Dammit….you first crown me as being indifferent when I am not..and you then accuse me of not being indifferent…this is the limit…..oh really? I have nothing to say….when did u ever have anything to say?

To cry, to laugh, to feel, to be….this is what I wanna be….far from the maddening crowd did I go..only to find that the madness shadowed me…then I realized……the reason for the insanity….and then I became sane J