Undercurrents

Hmmm having come home at 6.45pm, have been watching Zabardast Hits and SAvsEng alternatively. I am in a half euphoric and half moody state. Such moodiness reminds me of those long forgotten school days when I used to spend my times as if in a solitary confinement. I am in a mood to yak and unfortunately have no willing ears that would listen. I am now feeling hungry. Maybe will go an cook in a short while. Could be something simple such as noodles. Don’t have the enthu to cook anything better. In case any of you haven’t read it yet, please do try out ‘Crime and Punishment’ and ‘Brothers Karamazov’ by Fyodor Dostoevsky. These are plain masterpieces. I really wonder what all Fyodor must have experienced in his life to come up with such a fantastic stuff. You know, he also wrote a book called ‘The Idiot’. It was supposed to be inspired by a scene in his own life – having knelt down to face the firing squad with a blindfold around his eyes, he was the next to face the bullet. All before him had been shot dead. Just when the call was to be given to shoot, someone came running. The tsar had supposedly pardoned off Fyodor. Speak of escaping death by a hair’s breadth. But what intrigues me is, what would had Fyodor looked forward to in his life post that pardon? I mean he had literally come to terms that in the next second he would be one with the Dead comrades. And the next moment he is granted pardon. Its almost like a binary transition. Straight from zero to one. Just that in real life, when we are dealing with emotions; how much ever hard we try it is difficult to deal with only extremities and no transition in between. But if that’s the way people are….well..that’s the way people are. Cant do anything about it.

You know….back in school and karaikudi, whenever I used to feel like this, I used to go on a loooong cycling trip. Focussing only on my thighs and the pressure that gets created there. Guess focusing on something different than what is actually eating you, eases you a little bit.

There were these times I spent with Srik and Pakki. I dunno what I will be if not for them. There are lots of things which different people do. And which seems very enticing to you. You might go on to think why not go and do that? Maybe you will be as good too. Nothing wrong in thinking that. But there should be somewhere that you draw the line. You have gotto realize that having given your best efforts, people are best in what THEY do. And not in what OTHERS do. So while we enjoy seeing others excel in their field, let us try channelizing that inspiration in excelling in our own field. While my Benz diaries was running its course, I had enjoyed a lot. And as so often happened in my case, I have hurt a lot of people too. I was too brazen those days. A heart felt apologies to all those people.

There was this presentation I attended yesterday. It was given by Dr.Aravind from Arvind Eye Hospital. He too spoke of management, subsidy and all the techno commercial terms that you would associate with the businessmen. And yet his presentation made me choke with tears. The work this organization is doing is damn good. Guess what? These bloody consultants are a much maligned lot. And they contribute a lot in fomenting such a thought too. Almost most of them (when not in their cliques) act snooty. There are a lot more of the professional snobbery which one can associate with them. Just that this breed seem to revel in that. That’s the saddest part.

Such is life. There are certain things you like to do. And certain things that you have to do.