If I were to pen down all that I am feeling right now, I am sure it will be a random stream of thoughts….but I have always felt that there must be a connecting strand between anything and everything. So let me give myself a free rein to scribble all that I can and then find out what the heck is it that connects my thoughts………So here we go…..
Today I had a great time with my friends….some of whom I have know for only the last 2 weeks…..most of them for the last 2 days…….it is surprising how strangers can bond well so soon…..especially if they have to live together…guess the fact that you have gotto live together tunes your mind to the compatibility mode….but it I not that….i actually had a good time without feeling that I am being compelled to do anything…….
There was fun, laughter, empathy and implicit understanding of what we are going through in our life…..hmmm……
The other day, I was talking with my fiancée about how I should be learning a bit more of Arabic so that I can make my hosts feel that I have made an effort knowing them, their culture and move well with them….all she asked me was….why cant you make the same effort in your personal life with your family members? Fair enough……I can say for sure I could not turn my face to that question…..there is more than an element of truth to what she implied……why is it that I take my family for granted? Or for that matter who mean something to me – I tend to take them for granted…….where there is a need for me to make an effort, I tell myself….people would understand even if I didn’t put in the effort….but when it comes to strangers….well I am all effort…….
I have made lots of friends over the years….but whenever I look back, there is a tinge of regret…..i have never put in the effort to understand anybody……why? Whatever I say now will sound like an excuse I know..yet let me try….this is my inquisition….and I have gotto clear my soul……truth is I never wanted to be entangled by anyone or anything……I wanted to lead my own life…..do what I want……and for this I felt sharing my life with others…..will be a roadblock…..and so will understanding somebody else fully….that very act to me meant bringing somebody into my life…..and for me that is adding one more chain…which in all honesty I did not want……in reality…..i actually ran away from myself…..all of what I did were mere symptoms…….the disease is this…..i did not want to see the real me….i lived in a world…where the image of ME was sketched by ME and my mind…what others thought of me was of the least importance to me….this was a very fragile bubble….which got burst many a times….and yet rather than seeing the futility of it…I went on constructing a sand-house right next to the waves…….
There was one week in the middle of January 2007 that I spent in Korattur in my friend sbalaji’s house…..that was a period of bliss…. Spent it knowing that such a time will never come again and that I nee to make the best out of it…..i had gone to Chennai to supposedly prepare for my GD……the first 2 days I signed in to a professional training organization….but 2 hrs into the program, I knew I was a misfit for the style of GD tactic they were advocating….i was so vexed that I called my dad and said that if this is the way things are going, I don’t need it….i will do it my own way…and if no one accepts me…I would rather think they don’t deserve me. Huffing and puffing, I then went to balaji’s house….incidentally, there were a group of our guys preparing for this mba thing at that time. Vidhya, thiaga and balaji…..so when I said that I will there for a week, we all chalked up a plan of how we were gonna spend the week preparing for the finale. What transpired then was pure bliss……we got up everyday at 6…went to play cricket till 10..came back for breakfast…..has our bath and then went to vidhya’s house to study…..half an hour into our study…we started playing cricket there till about 2…came back for our lunch….then gossiped till tea time…then played cricket till 6 and then….used to go for a stroll around our korattur reminiscing our old days….day in and day out for 7 days, this was our routine……looking back I am most grateful to those project mates of mine who gave me unflinching support to be a freerider in their group – guess they understood they were better off without me than with me……
One of my all time regret (though I hate to say I ever have one) was that none of my school mates joined me in engg…then….none of engg mates joined me in PG……as a result of this…I went on to have three mutually exclusive set of friends….all from different background, different upbringing…different perspectives in life….i am richer from the experience – NO DOUBT….however there were plenty of instances when the differences in the lifestyle, attitude and ethos between the three circles created a turmoil in me…it was like three forces pulling me in three different directions…it was in those times that I felt the need for somebody who would have been with me at least in two out of the three circles of mine…..where I wanted support..i could get none….i couldn’t tell this to anyone..they couldn’t really relate to what I felt..and what I was going through…..definitely I don’t blame them……just that….those moments:in more ways than one….went on to chisel the ME……. While it gave me the sort of independence and free thinking spirit that I always wanted, it left me vulnerable in the most unexpected of times too….but then I guess..that’s life…..
Today I went out to eat with three of my acquaintances, wouldn’t say friends…as of now just acquaintances….made me wonder..how could I ever bring myself to this…..to go out with somebody more out of obligation than out of interest……yet I did it…..not that I felt bad….
In this short life of mine… of all the various things that I have learned, one thing that I value the most is this – always believe you are the best in the world and always be ready to learn from anyone
There are quite a few people who have left an indelible imprint in me, my life, my attitude…..my everything….i salute each and every one of them……
Extremes of selfishness and selflessness are one and the same….or so have I held so far….do I believe in it still? Is it a valid credo at all? Well……I do believe in it…..but so far this belief has only brought me grief….because since the end result was only in my mind….i have always favored for selfishness rather than selflessness…… where I could have given….i had taken……where I could have relented…I pressed forward….all in the belief that if I did (with sincere heart) what I felt was right…..i will be right on at least one count (that i did what I believed in)…… I did not want to do anything without first believing in it….. speaking of doing something only after believing in it, I remember of my friend HOMO2…..who once told me…..there are times when you have to let go….do something with full belief…….without questioning it…..it happened just after just after my engineering got over….i had gone over to his house.and every evening we use to go for a walk in the mountains…..and discuss anything and everything under the sun….on one such evening, we were discussing about faith, god and stuff……where I tried countering him with logic..all he said was this….when we try defining or describing something, we do it within our level of understanding (which in principle is bound)…and what we are actually trying to comprehend in life is unbound…..infinite…..so such things are not to be dissected logically and then experienced....you need to experience it without questioning….that’s belief…..that’s faith….am I read for it yet? I don’t think so……
Hmmm…so here ends my brief scribbling…..so what are the connecting thread? Lets go over once again….. the only thing I can say in all humility is that who ever wrote this piece of shit…is an ego maniac…..
However, I do believe that…..In Confession Lies Redemption……
No comments:
Post a Comment